I See A New Addiction Starting!!!

I am addicted to making bows!!!!! It first started with the korker bow I made Melody for Christmas time and now I have started to take it up again after a hat making binge.

One of my friends (Melanie) on CMF sent me some korker ribbon and other ribbon and I've just recently wanted to play around with it. I have found some free and bought a few tutorials on boutique bow making. Here is the one I found most helpful. It's a little store called Little Tootsie Boutique on YouCanMakeThis. It has LOTS of pictures and really easy to understand instructions. It has like 90 pages of instructions for around $8.00!!!!! I like that because I am a visual learner.

Korker bows are a lot of fun and you really can't mess them up to make them look bad. The other bow that I folded isn't perfect but I'm pretty proud of myself for not giving up on it and the bow turned out really pretty.

Melody picked out some ribbon a bit back and asked me to make the korker bow for her birthday.... it's 2 1/2 months away!!! I love that kid.

Mr. Skametti Face

When Mel was younger she would called spaghetti, skametti. I have had this odd thing with Aizen where at home I can't handle him being dirty, food on himself etc. I get very anxious when he does and I wonder if it has to do with my germ phobia. Something to go into more detail when I see my therapist next. I've been feeding him for the past 19 months so he doesn't get dirty.

I figure the best way to get over this is to just sit there and watch him get dirty. Well, here is my Mr. Skametti Face, do you think he enjoyed dinner?

Went To Mums And Cubs

Huge praise for me. I went to the Mums and Cubs group at our church on Friday for the first time with Aizen. This is a really big step for me in my recovery. Since having my breakdown I have developed a few anxieties, one of them being a social anxiety. I know now that I have always been an introvert, you would have never know had you known me, but I was. I was the life of the party, the one to make everyone feel welcome, the out going and fun loving person. I had put that mask on to truly hide the small child inside who was craving the attention of someone, anyone who would give me positive attention.

I've always felt very inadequate and I'm dealing with things that my dad said to me when I was younger about not fitting in or never being able to have normal relationships because I wasn't worth it. I have always felt like less of a mom when around other moms who had it together. I have come to the realization that there is no mom who has it all together and the ones who seem to are the ones hiding the most.

So, I went to the Mums and Cubs group and I enjoyed myself. I saw a few familiar faces and met some new people. I had so much anxiety the days before it and am glad that I "forced" myself to go. I almost didn't at the last minute but I know it was a spiritual attack. I'm looking forward to going back next Friday and forming some new friendships. I really do want to be social and for Aizen to have little buddies his age. I need the fellowship of moms who can support one another and not judge, compare or belittle anyone because of their life circumstances.

Huge step in my recovery and a very positive one!!

Kid's Craft Nook Organized!!

Got to organizing the kid's craft nook this weekend. Melody has free reign over the crafts and recently has been just shoving stuff back into the nook cause there really wasn't a designated space for it. So, I got busy while she was at a birthday party. 3 trips to the dollar store and here it is. Click on the picture to see what is contained in each of them. I'm going to leave them labeless so that i can rearrange as needed. Now... to finish organizing my craft nook upstairs!!!

Happy Valentine's Day

Just wanted to wish all my friends a happy and blessed Valentine's Day. I hope everyone has a good day. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

It's My Anniversary!!!!

Today is a happy and sad day for me. The sadness is that I share my wedding anniversary with the day my daughter was taken off of life support. It's hard to believe that on this day, 9 years ago!!!! I was walking down the aisle to get married to my sweetie.

I dreamt about what my wedding would be like from a very young age. I look back at it and I would have spent a TON of money on that day if I did what I wanted as a child. Our wedding was wonderful, special, romantic and tailored to fit the two of us.

We have been through a lot these past 9 years. There have been so many things that we have faced that would have broken up many marriages but we have stayed together and are so much stronger and united through it all. I love Daniel so much and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I praise Abba for bringing such a wonderful and godly man into my life to walk beside me through it.

I can't wait to celebrate more anniversaries and one day I'll be sitting in a porch swing with my helpmeet, holding his hand and remembering our life together.

Here are a few pictures of our wedding. This first one of me walking down the aisle is my favourite picture that has ever been taken of me. There is one of the ceremony and us newly married.

Roo's Going Home Anniversary

It's hard to believe that this day is here again. It is our second year without our precious Ruby. I think about it and has 2 years really gone by? Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday that I was holding her in my arms as they took her off of life support. I can vividly remember singing to her and encouraging her to go home to Jesus as my tears dripped on her face.

There are so many things I wish that I could be doing with her right now. I know she is safe but my heart just aches wanting to hold her again. She would be a very different girl than the one who died. She would have changed so much. She would be talking, learning her abc's and numbers, getting ready for kindergarten, cooking and baking with me, taking care of her little brother, pestering her older sister, making snowmen, learning to read and so many other things.

But to me she was a little toddler who barely talked, who hummed her sentences, was spunky and loved to get cheerios from the pantry to eat under the table. She loved to play in the mirror and peek a boo with her purple blankie I made her. She loved to poke at my lips and have me sing, we looked at the stars every night before going to bed and I sung her "You Are My Sunshine" every single night of her life. Even when I was sick or in a bad mood, I would sing that song to her and she would beam. Most nights it got sung a lot, her little eyes would start to flutter as she got sleepy but she would always poke my lip for me to sing it one more time.

I miss my daughter so much that it hurts. Why was she the one who had to die? Why did this happen to our family? I know that God never gives us anything we cannot handle but boy do I ever question Him on that one still. I have had countless opportunites to minister to other grieving mama's. The Lord is like that, whatever you go through is for His glory and one day you will be able to use it to minister to someone in need. I have always been in ministry in one fashion or another and I believe that this is my new calling. First was sunday school teacher, then travelling drama ministry, youth leader and now grief ministry. No one truly understands how a grieving parents feels unless they have lost a child themselves, and I have such an aching and compassionate heart to those who are hurting. I wonder what else Abba has in store for my life. Only time will tell and I pray that He comes back soon so that I can be reunited with my family and other children (I've also had 2 miscarriages that I know of besides Roo's death).

Today we will be doing things to honour her life. It seems so harsh to me to call it a death anniversary, so I prefer to call it her "Going Home Anniversary" for that is where she is, she is home, in Heaven, worshiping her Saviour and celebrating that she has been in His arms for 2 years now. It doesn't make it any less painful not having her here, but I am comforted knowing that if she misses me, she can crawl into her Saviour's lap and be comforted.

I'll be making her favourite cookies. She loved it when I baked Soft Cranberry Cookies, she would do a little dance in the kitchen if she were up. I remember many occasions where she would be about 2 feet away from the oven door, her hands on her knees, sorta squatting, just peering in longingly to watch those cookies bake. Boy, I sure do wish she were here with me now to make them.

I'll be spending some time writing in her journal with her memory candle flickering. I do my daily journal to her so she can be with us in everything that happens during the day. I also use it for therapy and when I just need to get my emotions out about her death or just anything. I love being able to include her that way.

Our family will be going out to Swiss Chalet for dinner. My inlaws were so kind to give us a gift card for there. Her last summer here, we spent a lot of time over at my inlaws in the pool and whatnot; my inlaws would have us stay for dinner a lot and we'd go get swiss chalet. Ruby loved sitting at the table, picking at the chicken and veggies. She loved corn and broccoli and would eat those up before anything else. There were a few times where she was so tuckered out and would just fall asleep in her high chair, oh how I miss that!!!!

Well I am going to stop babbling for now. I made this video a long time ago but thought I would put the link up again for those who may be new to my blog and want to see a short video of her life. Please continue to pray for our family, it's a tough day to get through and I wish with all my heart that I didn't have to do this but I need to. Love ya chikkas!!!

One Room Blitzed!!!

Guess what I did for 3 hours today???

I cleaned Melody's room (with her help). Oh goodness did her room ever get messy, she has SO MANY little toys that it forever just to sort through them and put them in the different bins. She also has been making crafts with markers and kleenex when she should be sleeping, so those were fun to discover. LOL

It's Daniel's week off from his day job this week, so we have lots of plans for doing stuff around the house. It will be good to keep ourselves busy so we aren't obsessing about Ruby's death anniversary coming up in a few days. Please continue to lift us up in prayer so that we can make it through this sucky time, I don't like death anniversaries... they're well... sucky.

Love you guys!!!

Less Than A Week

It's so hard for me to believe that in less than a week it will be 2 years since Ruby was called home. Where in the world has the time gone? I can vividly replay our last day with her as if it were yesterday. The emotions aren't so raw and intense anymore, but I still remember those little details.

Please keep our family in your prayers. We are going through a lot atm. Melody will be starting a grief play therapy soon at Markham Stouffville Hospital. Thanks to my therapist they are able to get her in really quickly. I hope that it will be a good thing for her as grief is really hitting her and she is truly understanding the finality of death.

We have a busy week upon us. Daniel is on vacation and we have a house to get nice and clean. We have Ruby's death anniversary on the 12th, our 9th wedding anniversary to celebrate on the 13th and of course Valentine's Day on the 14th. It's a very emotional time for us. Our anniversary is very hard for me now as I consider that the day that Ruby died. She was taken off of life support very early in the am on the 13th.

I want my baby girl here. I want to be getting ready for her to be turning 4 and getting excited about kindergarten. This truly sucks to have to have a death anniversary but I know that she is safe in Heaven with our Saviour. I want her here so badly!!

An Affirmation

Back when I was on tour with Covenant Players, we performed at a church and on the back of the bulletin was this wonderful affirmation. I've kept it all these years and just now making it so that it can be hung and displayed in our home. It's just so beautiful and I felt that the fig tree would make a wonderful background. Here is what it says:

I will stand firm in the Lord today. Taking a mighty tree as my image, I will see myselfwell rooted in my faith and reaching out beyond myself.
My roots are deep, drawing nourishment from the Bible ~ the word of God ~ the Spirit,and the love of my Christian community.

My trunk is strong, supporting my limbs and branches with the thick growth of accumulated experience. Some rings on my trunk are narrow ~ from the difficult years. Some rings on my trunk arewide ~ from the years blessed with rich personal growth. My experiences allow me to treat others with compassion, knowing the range of their sorrow and joys. When threatening winds blow, my trunk can bend ~ yielding to a storm just enough for it to pass by without damaging my integrity.

My branches stretch high and wide, reaching toward the sky in a gesture of praise. As the tree offers a resting place and a home to birds and animals, so I can offer a refuge, friendship,and love to those around me today.
Today, I stand firm in the Lord. With the nourishment of the Word, the Spirit, and the love of my Christian community welling up in me, I am able to offer God's love, through me, to others.

author unknown

Mmmmmmm ...... Crayon!!!!!!

Aizen was being quiet so Daniel went to go find him. Of course he was up to no good. This is what we found. Daniel was off to clean him up and I ran to find the camera, stopping him to get pictures for scrapbooking. LOL

Daily Fun At The Smith House

Our daily fun at the Smith house is to have a jumping session on mommy and daddy's bed. The kids LOVE it, I took some video, it's dark in our room so it's not that great but you get to see how much fun the kids are having.

Ruby and Melody used to hold hands and jump on the be together all the time.

Wow, it's 2009

It just dawned on me that I haven't even posted in 2009 yet, so here it is. Can't sleep so I'm here writing to you guys. Last year was a hard year for us and so far it's been an up and down on. We went through a lot as a family last year and we are still healing from Ruby's death. It's a daily struggle to make it through but somehow we get through it.

Not feeling like typing much so I'm gonna head out and go check out scrapbooking links. Later taters!!

My Tattoos

Had a friend asking to see my tattoos and after a search of my blog I realized that only my memorial tattoos were on here. So here they are:

My first tattoo, my butterfly.


Melody chose this little ladybug when she was 5 and that is her printing at that age. I just when the letters aren't perfect.


This is Roo's memorial tattoo that I got on her birthday last year. I miss you Rooboo.


And this is the one I got for her 1st death anniversary.

I Want My Baby Girl

It's getting closer to Christmas and the reality is really starting to kick in that my baby girl is missing yet another Christmas with us. It hurts so bad to be getting the presents ready and there is nothing for her to unwrap on Christmas morning. I just want my baby girl back so badly. She would be 3 1/2 this year and I wonder what she would have liked. What would she be interested in? What would she have wanted to get her brother and sister? Would she be talking by now and telling me how happy she was with her presents?

I miss you sweet Ruby and wish you were here so badly. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dearest Mommy Poem

I wrote this poem tonight and wanted to share it with you. It's our 2nd Christmas without sweet Ruby and I miss her terribly. If you want to see the wording better, just click on the image and that will make it bigger. Thank you so much for all of your prayers my friends, we need them, it's a struggle everyday just to get out of bed and function. I feel like I am "going through the motions" once again.

Sucky Grief Night and Start To My Day.....

that's all I have to say... bleh, sucky grief day!! =(

Our Christmas Tree

Yeah!! It's finally December and time to put up the Christmas tree. I'm enjoying Christmas this year. Last year it was going through the motions so that the kids had a good one. I really didn't want to do it at all last year and just wanted to stay in bed. Last year was our first without Ruby and it was just so hard to get through it. But somehow we did.

Our tree is toddler proofed this year. All the ornaments are at the top of the tree!! LOL So our tree looks kinda funny. We have decided to not put an angel on this year b/c our angel is not with us but with her Saviour instead.

So, here is the Christmas tree in all it's glory!!

A Successful Molt

Whoooo Hoooo!!! My biggest crab Rico had a successful molt. I'm so excited for him. He was down for 4 weeks, and made a brief appearance last night for some food and water and now he's back under ground chilling. He has lots of new hair all over his body and has nice sharp, pointy little ends on his legs.

Rico is the hermit crab I've been able to bond with the most. He doesn't shy away when I go to the tank, he'll go to where I am and tap on the glass. He loves to be held and I can handfeed him all kinds of food. His favourite is to have yogurt off of a chopstick and then try to steal the chopstick from me with his big pincher, he has a REALLY strong grip!!

So, I'm super stoked that he had a successful molt and I can't wait for him to fully get his energy back so that we can go back to bonding hehe

Our 2008 Christmas Ornaments!!

We got the kids their 2008 Christmas ornaments. It's a tradition we do every year and I just love doing it. We got Melody and Aizen's at the Markham Craft Show and I think that they are just so darn cute.

I was looking for angel ornaments online and came across this great place on etsy and ordered my Ruby angel ornament. I HIGHLY recommend them, wonderful ladies and they made it perfect by adding her name to it.