Sunday, January 13, 2008

Can It Really Be 11 Months??

I have had a really rough couple of weeks and things are not going so great for me. My therapist and I agree that my grief is turning into a clinical depression and I am just waiting on getting an appointment with my psychiatrist for a discuss on medication. So, we'll see how that goes.

I look at the clock and it's 2:40 am on the 13th. This time 11 months ago I was holding Ruby, saying goodbye as her heart stopped beating. Yesterday all I could do was relive that entire weekend and what we were going through at certain times. I had a friend online who kept me company while Daniel was at work, thanks a ton!!!!

There are so many things that I must face this year. I don't know how I will do them or how to motivate myself to. I'm so sad all the time and I'm on a roller coaster. I miss Ruby so much and want her here so badly. I miss my baby and everyday that passes is yet another that she is not here with me. Another day that I wish I could be holding her, touching her face and cuddling with her.

There are so many things that we should be doing with her this year, yet all my dreams will never come to fruition, I will always live in the land of "I should be ... " Yet I have to make decisions that no parent should ever have to make. I should not be having to pick out a footer for her grave, I shouldn't have to bury my baby's ashes. I shouldn't be planning a memorial service at the grave site. I shouldn't have to be going through the horror of a 1 year death anniversary.

I should be teaching her the sounds of letters and how to count. I should still be potty training her, teaching her how to bake, how to put her toys away, cleaning her room, picking out her clothes and so many other things. All of those dreams were torn away from me in a matter of a day, one horrible, dreadful day where I had to give consent for my child to die, to be taken off of the breathing machine, to have her die in my arms as my tears dripped on her face. I should never had had to make that decision, yet I am still faced with the reality that I said yes.

I need my Roo Roo and this totally sucks that it has been almost a year since she has passed away. I miss you my precious baby girl and I love you so very much my little sunshine. Mommy will NEVER stop loving you or thinking of you. ((((hugs and kissies)))))


Shauna said...

Denise, I wish so bad I could give you a hug in real life. I pray for you and your family often. You have taught me so much. I am sending you and your family a internet hug! I know that there are no words that can begin to help. I do want to say, I love you and your family and I will continue to pray!!

Karen A said...

You, and your family too, are still in my thoughts and prayers often. You were a wonderful mother to Ruby, and I can't imagine the pain you are going through, especially on "anniversaries". I know many of the others on CHF still are praying for you too.

Erin said...

(((HUGS))). There are no words I of comfort I can even attempt to offer you. This is just plain tough and it stinks. That's all there is to it. I want you to know I pray for you and your family often and your little Ruby sounds like such a special child.

Alissa said...

Denise- We in your July DDC have been thinking of you. On the summer babies site someone brought it up a couple days ago; you've been in our thoughts. I can't believe it's almost been a year. (((hugs)))