Thursday, February 12, 2009

Roo's Going Home Anniversary

It's hard to believe that this day is here again. It is our second year without our precious Ruby. I think about it and has 2 years really gone by? Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday that I was holding her in my arms as they took her off of life support. I can vividly remember singing to her and encouraging her to go home to Jesus as my tears dripped on her face.

There are so many things I wish that I could be doing with her right now. I know she is safe but my heart just aches wanting to hold her again. She would be a very different girl than the one who died. She would have changed so much. She would be talking, learning her abc's and numbers, getting ready for kindergarten, cooking and baking with me, taking care of her little brother, pestering her older sister, making snowmen, learning to read and so many other things.

But to me she was a little toddler who barely talked, who hummed her sentences, was spunky and loved to get cheerios from the pantry to eat under the table. She loved to play in the mirror and peek a boo with her purple blankie I made her. She loved to poke at my lips and have me sing, we looked at the stars every night before going to bed and I sung her "You Are My Sunshine" every single night of her life. Even when I was sick or in a bad mood, I would sing that song to her and she would beam. Most nights it got sung a lot, her little eyes would start to flutter as she got sleepy but she would always poke my lip for me to sing it one more time.

I miss my daughter so much that it hurts. Why was she the one who had to die? Why did this happen to our family? I know that God never gives us anything we cannot handle but boy do I ever question Him on that one still. I have had countless opportunites to minister to other grieving mama's. The Lord is like that, whatever you go through is for His glory and one day you will be able to use it to minister to someone in need. I have always been in ministry in one fashion or another and I believe that this is my new calling. First was sunday school teacher, then travelling drama ministry, youth leader and now grief ministry. No one truly understands how a grieving parents feels unless they have lost a child themselves, and I have such an aching and compassionate heart to those who are hurting. I wonder what else Abba has in store for my life. Only time will tell and I pray that He comes back soon so that I can be reunited with my family and other children (I've also had 2 miscarriages that I know of besides Roo's death).

Today we will be doing things to honour her life. It seems so harsh to me to call it a death anniversary, so I prefer to call it her "Going Home Anniversary" for that is where she is, she is home, in Heaven, worshiping her Saviour and celebrating that she has been in His arms for 2 years now. It doesn't make it any less painful not having her here, but I am comforted knowing that if she misses me, she can crawl into her Saviour's lap and be comforted.

I'll be making her favourite cookies. She loved it when I baked Soft Cranberry Cookies, she would do a little dance in the kitchen if she were up. I remember many occasions where she would be about 2 feet away from the oven door, her hands on her knees, sorta squatting, just peering in longingly to watch those cookies bake. Boy, I sure do wish she were here with me now to make them.

I'll be spending some time writing in her journal with her memory candle flickering. I do my daily journal to her so she can be with us in everything that happens during the day. I also use it for therapy and when I just need to get my emotions out about her death or just anything. I love being able to include her that way.

Our family will be going out to Swiss Chalet for dinner. My inlaws were so kind to give us a gift card for there. Her last summer here, we spent a lot of time over at my inlaws in the pool and whatnot; my inlaws would have us stay for dinner a lot and we'd go get swiss chalet. Ruby loved sitting at the table, picking at the chicken and veggies. She loved corn and broccoli and would eat those up before anything else. There were a few times where she was so tuckered out and would just fall asleep in her high chair, oh how I miss that!!!!

Well I am going to stop babbling for now. I made this video a long time ago but thought I would put the link up again for those who may be new to my blog and want to see a short video of her life. Please continue to pray for our family, it's a tough day to get through and I wish with all my heart that I didn't have to do this but I need to. Love ya chikkas!!!


Ginger said...

praying for you and your family today, Denise. lots of love and hugs.

April said...

Denise, I am thinking and praying for you and your family today. You are an amazing woman and sweet little Roo is so proud to tell all her angel friends that you are her mama.

Lots of hugs and love,

Matt - Gizzy said...

I personally know nothing of the pain that your family is going threw today, but I am thinking about you guys and hoping that you guys are feeling better.

Much love and hugs

Shauna said...

As always...praying!
I love the pic of her and Daniel sleeping. Precious!
Love you girl!!!