Introducing Maple!!!

So, Melody has been given this bear from her grade 1 teacher and his name is Maple. He will be doing some travelling very soon. Thanks to my LOTRO peeps who will be showing him around the USA. They get to take him fun places, take pictures and send postcards back to the school of his adventures. Great way for the kids to learn about new places.

Well, Melody asked me to make him a little hat and sweater, so how could I not!!! Here is his travelling gear!!

January's Crocheted Chemo Hat Count

I have been making some other hats for friends and for our family (10 other hats in total) but here are the chemo hats I have made for the month of January for the sweet children at Sick Kids Hospital. At the end of next month, we'll take them down and give them to Darcy (the bereavement co-ordinater at sick kids) with whatever ones I get done in February.

They are all in honour of my precious Ruby!!!

MMMMMM Oatmeal and Peas!!!!!

We have started the journey into SOLIDS!!!!!! It has been going really well. Aizen has been eating oatmeal cereal and peas. And he LOVES peas, I can't get it into him fast enough. So, thought I would share some pictures.... and yes he is sitting in his bumbo on our bed ... we haven't gotten the highchair out of storage. And to be honest right now it's so hard to use it because one of Ruby's last meals was in that highchair ... so bed and bumbo it is for now!!!

He doesn't look thrilled in these pictures because I took them in the midst of feeding him and he has this look of "Mom... just feed me.... stop taking pictures of me already!!!"

Cows Come In Bags ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

. . . . . . well milk sure does up here in Canada, it also comes in cartons. I was having a conversation one night and so here you go Aratoamin. =)

This is the outer bag that the milk comes in from the store. It is usually tied together at the top with a bread clip thingie:


Here is one out of the bag, there are 3 in total:


This is the place we store ours at our house, most people just keep them in the bigger bag:


And here is the container we keep it in:


So... yes we have milk in bags!!! We also have chocolate milk, the other types of milk and even lemonade in bags. LOL

Can It Really Be 11 Months??

I have had a really rough couple of weeks and things are not going so great for me. My therapist and I agree that my grief is turning into a clinical depression and I am just waiting on getting an appointment with my psychiatrist for a discuss on medication. So, we'll see how that goes.

I look at the clock and it's 2:40 am on the 13th. This time 11 months ago I was holding Ruby, saying goodbye as her heart stopped beating. Yesterday all I could do was relive that entire weekend and what we were going through at certain times. I had a friend online who kept me company while Daniel was at work, thanks a ton!!!!

There are so many things that I must face this year. I don't know how I will do them or how to motivate myself to. I'm so sad all the time and I'm on a roller coaster. I miss Ruby so much and want her here so badly. I miss my baby and everyday that passes is yet another that she is not here with me. Another day that I wish I could be holding her, touching her face and cuddling with her.

There are so many things that we should be doing with her this year, yet all my dreams will never come to fruition, I will always live in the land of "I should be ... " Yet I have to make decisions that no parent should ever have to make. I should not be having to pick out a footer for her grave, I shouldn't have to bury my baby's ashes. I shouldn't be planning a memorial service at the grave site. I shouldn't have to be going through the horror of a 1 year death anniversary.

I should be teaching her the sounds of letters and how to count. I should still be potty training her, teaching her how to bake, how to put her toys away, cleaning her room, picking out her clothes and so many other things. All of those dreams were torn away from me in a matter of a day, one horrible, dreadful day where I had to give consent for my child to die, to be taken off of the breathing machine, to have her die in my arms as my tears dripped on her face. I should never had had to make that decision, yet I am still faced with the reality that I said yes.

I need my Roo Roo and this totally sucks that it has been almost a year since she has passed away. I miss you my precious baby girl and I love you so very much my little sunshine. Mommy will NEVER stop loving you or thinking of you. ((((hugs and kissies)))))

Happy New Year!!!

Just wanted to wish all of my friends a Happy New Year!!!

This year has many struggles ahead. We have some very hard decisions to make this year that we don't want to at all. I'm looking forward to some of it and some I wish I could avoid.

Be safe and remember to hug your kids tight and let the last words they hear from you be "I Love You!!"

Aizen's New Hat!!

I was making a hat earlier this week and asked Daniel if I could see if it fit his head. I have a small head and needed a model LOL. He liked the hat I was making and asked if he could have it. So, then I thought it would be cute to make Aizen a matching one.

I still need to get a picture of the two of them wearing their hat, but here is Aizen in his.

Merry Christmas Sweet Roo!!

It's our first Christmas without our sweet Ruby. It's been a bittersweet yet joyful morning. It was hard to get out of bed and open the presents but we did for the kids. We bought a present for each of the kids from Ruby and they both love our choices.

I wish more than anything that Ruby were here, running around excited with a present or wrapping paper in her hand. She used to love the bows on the presents and I remember last year being at my inlaws waiting on my brother in law to get there. Ruby was crouched down looking under the tree, totally in awe of the presents, and picking the bows off of the presents. She had quite the little collection by the end of it.

I would give anything to have more memories like that of her. She was such a curious little girl and it will be hard going over to my inlaws this afternoon, knowing she won't be there to run around with the wrapping paper like last year. I know it will be a good time but how I wish she could be with us. I love you precious Roo Roo. ((((hugs and kissies)))) ~~ mommy

Aizen Sporting Mommy's Hat

I've been making preemie hats for the last few years and this last year I have been playing around with a new pattern. I've been making some hats for preemies, newborns and cancer patients at Sick Kids. I finished this one up today and decided to try it on Aizen. He's so stinking cute. So, thought I would show off one of my hats.

I need to get some more "boyish" colours and make him a few hats to sport around the house and while shopping as I carry him in the meitai.

Elf Yourself

On one of my mommy boards, there was a link to this site. WAY TOO FUNNY!!!!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1485188732

You just upload your pictures and fiddle with the face til you have it how you want... and well, just go check it out.

Parent Card

We are giving presents in Ruby's memory to some children at Sick Kids. I wanted to put in the card a little note for the parents. And here it is.

Nursing Is A Work Of Heart

This is our first Christmas without Ruby. The money we would have spent on her presents were spent on presents for some children at Sick Kids. We'll be going down next week to meet with Darcy (the bereavement co-ordinator) there and giving her the gifts and also some hats that I have crocheted.

Today it has been 10 months since Ruby died, I made her a page earlier before my therapy session. Tonight I got thinking of our time at Sick Kids and have been wanting to do something special for the nurses in the CCU (critical care unit). The night before she died, we pretty much knew that she would not pass the brain stem tests that were to be repeated in the morning. The nurses that we had treated our baby with such love and care, even though.

One moment in particular comes to mind. I was lying in bed with her and the nurse was checking on Roo. She found that Ruby's mouth was dry and she got a little swab and some water and wet the inside of her mouth. It touched me so much that even though we knew, they still treated her as if she were going to make it. Would moistening her mouth have helped her? Probably not, but the caliber of staff at Sick Kids is AMAZING!!!

So I will be getting a mat and doing this scrapbook page to give to them next Wednesday when we go down there. I thought I would share it with you. Just click on it to see the details and read the message.

Please leave a comment if you would. I enjoy reading your comments on here and they really do brighten up my day.

Muskoka Roo Roo Mini Mosaic

I just finished up another mini mosaic project today. It is based off of the picture below of Roo up in Muskoka and her first time loving the sand. I didn't take hourly progression shots like last time, but this one took around 55 hours to do.

Can't wait to get it matted, framed and hung on the wall.

No Longer Scrapbook Page

This is a picture of Roo blowing me kisses under the table after finishing off some cheerios.

No Longer

No Longer ~ December 6, 2007

Ruby red lips,
Eyes sparkling blue.
Sweet chubby cheeks,
No longer have you.

Innocent look,
Arms open wide.
Open lip kisses,
No longer by my side.

Look of curiosity,
Into everything.
Humming instead of words,
No longer will you sing.

Wobbily fast walk,
Always running away.
Chasing after you,
No longer will you stay.

Eating cheerios,
Hiding under table.
Blowing mommy kisses,
No longer are you able.

Joyous laughter,
Taking off your bib.
Waking at 3 am,
No longer jumping in your crib.

Snuggles on the couch,
Falling asleep in the car.
Stealing baby kissies,
No longer pointing at the stars.

Licking the windows,
Blanket peek a boo.
My heart forever aches,
No longer have I you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love you sweet Ruby and wish so badly to have you back in my arms. To smell your hair one more time, to look in your eyes, to touch your cheek and give you kissies.

Eat Mor Chikin!!

So ... I got bored today and was looking through my files and found some cow pictures.

I LOVE cows, one of my favourite things to collect etc. So, I made a video.

Click on this link ---> LINK to see it.

The song is by a group called Arrogant Worms, they're canadian and absolutely Hilarious!!!!

Precious Angel PM

I've had my eye on this Precious Moment for a few months now and it's now added to our collection. I didn't know the meaning behind it as it is a Limited Edition and wasn't on the PM website. It represents an angel holding the Saviour on His first night here on earth.

For me, it reminds me that when Ruby can't sit in her Saviour's lap, there is always an angel that will hold her and make her feel safe until I can see her again. It brings me great comfort knowing that she is being taken care of and she is where I yearn and strive to be.

Playing In The Flowers

With the scrapbooks I have been ordering, they come with 8x8 white paper. I have given these to Melody to make special pictures for Ruby to put in a scrapbook. Melody is also making a scrapbook of her memories of Ruby as part of her recovery. I want her to have a special place for her memories of her sister. I know that I don't remember much about when I was 5 years old, and I want to preserve as many of those memories that she has now.

This is a picture she made this morning for Ruby. It's of Ruby in Heaven. She is picking flowers in a garden. This is often how I think of Ruby, she was always picking grass and getting into flowers that she shouldn't have been in.

So, I asked Melody if I could share her picture, so here it is. This is how Melody sees her little sister.

Mommy's Love Goes With You PM

This was a limited edition PM and I am so happy and honoured to have it in my collection, it's not offered anymore. I saw it posted on an infant loss forum I post on. I tried to find it at our local store, but could only order it online, so ... we did LOL

I remember with tears having Ruby in my arms as they took her off of life support. We had 12 wonderful hours with her while waiting on the organ donation team to do their stuff. It was early on the Monday morning when I held my baby in my arms for the last time, encouraging her to go home to Jesus. Telling her how much I loved her and would miss her. Telling her everything I never got to say to her, apologizing for everything I had ever done wrong. I shed many tears that night and could have held her in my arms forever if they would have let me.

It was absolutely the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. No parent should ever have to watch as they take the tube off that is keeping your most precious thing alive. Part of me died that night with her, it's such an intense thing to have to do. You know you only have one option, there was no way she could have lived, she was brain dead ... yet ... you don't want to make that decsion, you feel like a failure, you feel like any moment she will wake up and beam a smile at you despite the doctor's testing and there being no signs of neurological function. How do you give consent and have your baby die in your arms.

I was the first one to hold her and I will always be the last one. I miss her so very much.

The Same Today, Yesterday and Forever PM

This is one of my FAVOURITE figurines that I have in my collection. It reminds me so much of sweet Roo, who she was and who she is right now.

She LOVED the beach and sand up in Muskoka when she was 1 years old. I have such fond memories of her picking up the sand, and her trying to get it off her hand. She liked sitting in the waters edge as it gently cascaded on her. I remember holding her hand as we walked the waters edge together, her looking up at me in amazement. She pointed out a little school of minnows and went ooooooo, then she clapped in excitement.

She is with our Saviour now and the little girl reminds me that that is who Ruby is now, at Jesus' feet compeletely happy and secure waiting for me.